User:I Am Jebus/Comedian of the Whenever

Comedian of the Whenever: Mitch Hedberg Quotes:
 * I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
 * I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
 * I got an ant farm... them 'fellas didn't grow shit.
 * On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, "where the fuck did you get that banana at?"
 * I saw a dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."
 * I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
 * I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
 * My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

To suggest more comedians and their quotes, go here.
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