User:Excito

The compendium of mild to highly amusing events that happen to me
It always seems like I get put in extremely awkward, embarrassing, or funny situations, be it by design or chance (mostly by chance). I decided to make a list of the things that happen / have happened to me, for my own sake, that stand out for future reference - much akin to a photo album of unfortunate events, except there are few pictures and nobody pretends to care about it when they're forced to see it in a slideshow at some horrendous and unavoidable family gathering with people you hardly know, where the slide projector takes a half hour to clean, the screen takes an hour to find, all while you're sitting in some disgusting plaid couch with alien stains that smells of sweat and cold-cuts listening to your grandpa tell the same story of how his stamp collection would be worth countless sums of money if he weren't forced to fight in World War II.

For those who don't give a shit about any back story and my painful attempts at being humorous, the events will all be marked with bullet points.

My Work Commute
I've seen a countless number of hilarious things on my way to work, as I have to drive through a somewhat shady side of town to get there. My building is on the last block down the street that isn't ghetto (literally the next block has scores of fucking black people sitting on their porches yelling profanities and obscenities at people that walk by - no, I'm not kidding).

The Children's Hospital
Right off my exit on the freeway is the Oakland Children's Hospital. Don't get me wrong, I feel totally safe on that side of the BART tracks, but across the street I'd feel a little uneasy, especially next to the old school bus that has been spray painted with obscenities and threats (however, I must say I never cease to be amused by what it says).


 * On the divider under the BART tracks (the track is raised like a freeway overpass), there are always the same black men dressed in suits, dragging around those metal carrying box-things on wheels, handing out fliers for their religion (I don't know what it is) to people that have to stop at the stop sign. Here are a few things I found amusing when driving by them / stopping at the stop light.
 * In the afternoon around 5-6 when I am on my way home from work, I saw the guy that seems like the ringleader of the religious devotees, as when there's only 1, it's always him. I was stopped at a stoplight on the opposite side of the road, and saw the following: The religious guy was standing in the middle of the road (not near the light, mind you), I see another black guy dressed normally driving a raised piece-of-shit Cadillac slam on the breaks in the middle of the street, forcing cars to swerve around him. He rolls down the window, and with my windows up and music on, I hear him scream,
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 * Cadillac enthusiast: HEY NIGGA WHATCHU DOIN? YOU OUTTA JAIL NOW HUH? HA HA HA!!!
 * Religious guy: Aw yeah bruh I got outta there right quick you still hustlin' on Adeline?
 * Cadillac enthusiast:  CHU KNOW IT NIGGA HA HA HA YA GOTTA HIT ME UP FA DAT DRO SOME TIME NIGGA!
 * Religious guy:  Aight mayne I'll hitchu up later today!
 * Cadillac enthusiast: WORD NIGGA CATCH YA LATA!
 * }
 * 14818645714a1c303d5d5df.jpger afternoon around 5-6, I see the same religious guy dressed in his normal black and white suit. However, something is different this time. He comes strutting up to my car, doing a hippity-hop step that I swear is out of some movie about racism in the South before the Civil War, with a monstrous big-lipped smile on his face, looking exactly like the picture to the right. His ensemble is what makes the entire picture hilarious: he's wearing a huge red bow-tie, and a black pair of those stupid fucking Kanye West glasses that make me want to rip out a god damn baby's intestines through their mouth and string them up over an active electrical line.
 * 14818645714a1c303d5d5df.jpger afternoon around 5-6, I see the same religious guy dressed in his normal black and white suit. However, something is different this time. He comes strutting up to my car, doing a hippity-hop step that I swear is out of some movie about racism in the South before the Civil War, with a monstrous big-lipped smile on his face, looking exactly like the picture to the right. His ensemble is what makes the entire picture hilarious: he's wearing a huge red bow-tie, and a black pair of those stupid fucking Kanye West glasses that make me want to rip out a god damn baby's intestines through their mouth and string them up over an active electrical line.

The Ghetto

 * As mentioned earlier, I have to drive through a questionable neighborhood to get to my block of safety that is work. I have seen countless amounts of shady activity, but these are the particular situations and events that come to mind.
 * Around 5-6, I see the usual groups of black teenagers / young black men standing on the sidewalk hustling or doing whatever they're doing (they're the stereotypical bunch - cigarettes on their ear, huge dreads, stacks of cash, etc). Then, out in the distance, I see this frizzy jew-haired white teenager ripping down the street on a BMX bike. The kid is jumping curbs and grinding benches, and was actually quite impressive. So impressive, in fact, that the groups of black men started staring at him as he was riding around in their area. Rather than killing him, they gather around him and start hooting and hollering, waving their fists in the air like it's a fucking sideshow.
 * Standing on a major street corner, always there from 9-11 AM, is the same hobo (yes he's black). There's plenty of those on the drive and in general crawling the streets, but this one is special for several reasons:
 * He is always in the same spot on the same corner in front of the street light, walking up to peoples' stopped cars, yelling and waving.
 * He always seems to have a black Hefty bag full of various knick knacks next to the corner trashcan, ranging from the money he's able to panhandle out of peoples' cars to Chinese take-out boxes and God knows what else.
 * He is slightly hunch-backed.
 * He wears a torn leather jacket over a dirty white shirt (I can't be sure if it really was originally white, I'm just assuming) and cargo pants with torn sneakers.
 * I'd imagine he smells slightly less horrendous and rancid than other hobos, although that is up to individual interpretation.
 * His sign is the most unique sign I have ever seen. It has gone through several major evolutions:
 * His first sign and appearance came about during a heatwave about two years ago. His sign, in essence (as I cannot remember the entire thing), said
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SUN GOD ANGRY HE RELEASE WRATH ASK ME FOR LUCKY NUMBER
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 * Unfortunately I never had the balls to open my car window to a dirty yelling hobo and ask what my lucky number was.
 * He then disappeared for quite some time, returning just recently with a revised sign, saying
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GOD BLESS THOSE WHO PROSPER HE ASK US TISS THE SUN
 * }
 * Your guess is as good as mine as to what the fuck this crazy babyfucker is trying to convey with this sign. I've come up with the following synopsis and possible interpretations:
 * If you notice, he has seemingly changed his allegiance from the Sun God (whoever the hell that is - is he Hindu?) to the generally and more widely accepted God.
 * He is no longer offering his lucky number services. This brings up the following questions:
 * Did he run out of lucky numbers?
 * Did he somehow lose his magical ability to detect one's lucky number?
 * Was his lucky number business faltering?
 * Does he still offer this service to those who inquire?
 * What the fuck is a lucky number?
 * Why does God bless only those who prosper? What does it truly mean to prosper? Happiness? Wealth? Happiness in wealth? Age?
 * Why is he asking us to "tiss" the sun?
 * What the fuck does the verb "tiss" mean (I'm absolutely positive that it says "tiss", NOT "kiss")?
 * How would one "tiss" the sun?
 * The following is my prevailing theory on the change in signs, what they mean, and what we as a people should do about it.
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The Hobo-Sun-Sign Theory The change from the first sign to the second sign is drastic and alarming. The first sign is a warning from this talented man concerning the the Sun God. Even if one does not believe in said Sun God, any wrathful fury from a god-like figure should startle those who encounter it, regardless of the credibility of the source. I hypothesize that the mentioned lucky numbers are numbers we will need to avoid the Sun God's wrath, and this courageous and honorable figure has taken it upon himself to distribute these numbers to the unknowing populace. Now we must address his two year disappearance and sign change. The new sign signals a change in message, from a warning to a plea for help. This brave man, in his two year absence, must have seen the Sun God's power and is begging everyone to "tiss" the sun, which must mean "destroy". He is saying that those who aid in destroying the Sun will prosper in God's world. It turns out, the second sign must be a riddle to avoid being detected by the Sun God. Only a man of genius intellect could come up with such a clever riddle.
 * }
 * Either my theory is true and this hobo is warning the populace of the Sun God menace through his genius, or the hobo is really a jock-touching crackhead child molester that has had one too many hits of the pipe and has spent one too many days out in the sun. The interpretation is up to the reader.

More to be added...